Recovery is worth it... That's what I have been trying to tell myself over the past few days. Lately due to a few things that have happened I have been struggling with both food and also the positivity I have built up over the past view months since weight restoring and being in a good place mentality wise.
So far my weight hasn't been effected due to my struggles with food.. I am still eating enough, but I'm finding myself only allowing myself certain foods and being petrified when it comes to thinking of having anything different and foods that I used to find extremely easy to eat are becoming increasingly harder.
Now I know at the start of recovery everyone thinks that the people going on about how "recovery is worth it" are completely insane (I know I did). If you think about it, recovery is such a fearful and uncomfortable experience that how anyone could say its worth it must be a sucker for punishment..
But ask anyone who is weight restored (myself included) and 95% of those people will say that there life is so much better then when they were entrenched in their ED. In my case recovery has given me the best life I have ever had - even pre ED.
Yes this has been a pretty big blip for me when it comes to depression because normally it doesn't last this long and hardly ever has an effect on my food. But I am constantly reminded of the situation I was in throughout my day... Anything triggers a memory so it is making things a little hard to move on from but I know eventually things will get easier and I will come out of this a stronger person.
The Main Things That Have Helped Me Through Recovery:
- Music - I know that this may not be something for everyone but for myself and a lot of people I have talked to they have found music to be something that has helped a lot both in recovery and in helping mentality. I have certain songs that I always go to in helping me through certain feelings or situations and I know that without them this current state (probably worse) would be my constant mind set. Something else I love is playing piano... I only ever play for myself and when people are out of the house because I am completely shy when it comes to playing piano because I am pretty bad at it to be honest. There is also something about it where I find that it is so easy to forget about what's going on in your head and focus on the piece of music you're playing. For me playing music is also kind of a private thing (which sounds a little weird) even though the music is not my own, I only learn songs that mean a lot to me, have helped and hold some significance for me so they always have memories and emotions attached to them.
- Instagram - This is always something hard for people to understand that aren't within the recovery community or within some type of community on instagram or some type of social media... People think you're strange for taking pictures of your food constantly and having (I know in my case) a slight addiction to Instagram. But for me this platform has helped me so much and has become such a HUGE part of my life. I am so grateful that I took the leap and decided to start posting.
I have met the most amazing, kind hearted and inspiring people on there and I know that I have made life long friends because of it. The people you talk to there have a pretty good idea of what you're going through (no one will know entirely because each ED is different). I also found it a great way to connect with old friends and also tell them about what you've been struggling with without having to say the words... I ended up adding a lot of friends and family to my recovery instagram and on the whole I am so happy I did it. Yes, people within the community will give you support but what's better then getting reassurance from people that you have a close personal relationship with??
So for me I know that this blip will pass... Overall recovery has made my life better then it has ever been in so many ways and even though that this is been a hard 9 months it has definitely been worth it.