Before reaching this point there have been many times (like I'm sure all of you have experienced) when you feel like "really what is even the point of all this? All the stress, guilt and self hatred, I might as well go back to not eating anything at all at least that was easier".
But you have to remember that this is your ED taking over your thoughts.. Remember that eating is a basic human NEED. There is nothing to feel fearful or guilty about, you need adequate nourishment to survive and have your body functioning properly. In fact, if you are weight restored you have probably felt a slight shift in your thinking. I can definitely feel it and it has been proven so many times that nourishment is one of the highest contributing factors to your mood and how your mind and body functions.
So after that little reminder onto why I am so thankful for recovery....
For many years I have had depression. About my body and really just my life in general. I felt I was completely inadequate - too fat, not smart enough, pretty enough, didn't have many friends (the list could go on forever).. But through recovery I have learnt a lot about myself and have so much more thanks to recovery.
My body is functioning better than it ever has. Even with my 100g a day chocolate habit and eating a lot of crap to make up my calories at the moment. My fitness levels keep increasing, I've had a regular period now for two months where as I hadn't had one for two and a half YEARS before that due to being at a weight that my body didn't feel comfortable at. Yes, I don't have a "rock hard" body and I am probably what people call "skinny fat" I don't have any abs to speak of, I have the dreaded muffin top but to be honest at this moment right now I don't care..
My friends. Throughout the time of my ED I never saw my friends, never really talked to them and never told them what was going on with me throughout recovery because to be honest I was kind of ashamed and embarrassed and I was sure that I would loose all my friendships because of my ED. Now I know that makes me sound like I think my friends are shallow and unsupportive, but that couldn't be further from the truth! I guess my mind made me believe that no one would want to be around someone with something as weird as having an extreme fear of one of the basic things you need for your survival.
None of my friends knew about my ED until September this year. When I went to Australia to visit my sister I added a whole bunch of people to my instagram that I knew personally and I was ready for the back lash. But what I got was completely unexpected and overwhelming support from some of the people I am closest to. this really just goes to show that your ED gives you some very warped views when it comes to everything in your life...
My brain function. With going to university this is a big one. At the start of the year I went through summer school when my ED wasn't that bad and I was able to pass and concentrate a bit in class. But by the time the semester started my ED had spiralled and I had absolutely no focus or concentration at all. I wasn't sleeping and lack of food was frying my brain and making me incredibly irritable. This year in going through recovery I have come out of my 2nd year of university with a B average, though I had to withdraw from 2 classes due to starting treatment. Sure to a lot of peoples standards this will be pretty poor. But I am definitely not a bright student, and I have been maintaining a B average throughout my 2 and a half years at university so far. with another year and a half to go until I can graduate with my Bachelor of Early Childhood Education.
Meeting new people. Through instagram I have talked to and had the opportunity to meet so many inspiring people. People who are outside a community of Instagram really don't get it and they just think instagram is an obsession. but for people within this recovery community is a place of support and really is just as legitimate as any AA meeting out there, our support group is just online.
And really there are so many more but those are kind of the main ones.
Remember you are worth recovery. You are worth the food your ED is telling you that you aren't deserving of having. And when your mind tells you "you're the worst anorexic out there" - remember that if you were the best, you would be dead and then what would that achieve?
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Anyway I thought I would give you a quick little update. So this week at REDS I had a little bit of a set back. After maintaining for around two months I had an unexpected weight gain of about 2kg in that many weeks and to be honest it threw me a bit. It took a couple of days to get over the shock and the wanting to get the weight off (thankfully I was able to fight the urges)thanks to all of you amazing people I got there.
Right now I have completed my first week of my 4 week practicum/placement. and to be honest after the year I've had I never thought I would be here. And a HUGE part of this is because of my university and the faculty that I'm in. They have been so amazing and understanding through all this and they have made some massive exceptions for me... Like in usual circumstances I would have to repeat my second year. But in my case the uni has allowed me to complete this year - I have also been able to finish this year's 2 full year papers of which I have missed half the year of - for one I had an essay instead of the exam (which I found out a few days ago I got an A for) and then for the other one I am currently making up for the placement I missed. Go on and finish my third year - though I wont be graduating with my class. And then go back to year 2 and complete the two papers I had to withdraw from which I only had three classes of before being admitted. So they have been extremely gracious and accommodating about this whole situation.
But right now I would say that my state of mind is pretty good. And today marks the first day of not calorie counting since coming out of hospital in April and I plan to keep it that way.
My practicum is going pretty well I think. I am loving the centre I'm at the children and staff are lovely though I'm a little nervous about my assessing lecturer - I hate her with a passion. And this kind of brings back a few bad memories for me considering she was going to be evaluating me on the practicum I was doing at the time I was admitted to hospital.
Anyway, the reason for this post is just to give you all a bit of a life update and hopefully things are going well for you all!